How to make connections

Making connections is not easy, but everyone needs to feel connected. The people around you will help you grow. They help you love yourself when you’re down. They help you believe in yourself when you fail. They keep your dreams alive when you are too busy with reality.

You could meet your future connections anywhere, like at work, school, church, a networking event, or even a grocery store. But talking to new people at a random place is never comfortable. After moving from city to city multiple times, I’ve been to many events and parties. I want to share a couple tricks with you on how to build connections with new people.

Be mindful in conversations

Having a conversation with people you just meet can be hard. This is usually because our mind may not be invested in the conversations. Sometimes, you just can’t relate to them. Sometimes, our mind is just stuck in the past or future. 

It is okay to have your mind off the conversation, but don’t let it get too far because it could make you feel disconnected, bored, and rejected. Once you have these negative feelings, it will be hard to get that connection back. We need to be mindful to really listen them and let go any judgement.

1. Quiet your mind

When you get disconnected from a conversation, our head will usually be full of images from the past or the future. Sometimes in the middle of conversations, I remembered things from 10 years ago, like when I had dropped my laptop, or 10 minutes ago when I said something stupid in the conversation. I’m waiting to find the right time to tell the story about my laptop and to find the right words to apologize about my stupid words. By that time, I might have stopped listening to the conversation in the group and have my full attention on my own thoughts.

The first thing you need to do when this happens is to quiet your mind. Get your eyes into their eyes, and tell yourself these mantras:

• STOP. Be present.
• The past has passed, the future will come. I am now in the present.
• My body is here, so is my mind.

2. Really listen to them

We talk for many different reasons, mostly to share our knowledge, memories, or feelings. As we grow, we learn to listen to information that is only useful to us. We put knowledge ahead of memories or feelings. This filtering exercise makes us listen less and less. We end up not listening to each other. 

When I have a hard time listening to someone, I try to identify the conversation based on knowledge, memories, or feelings. This helps me listen using intelligence, intellect or emotions. I say these words in my head to help me focus listening:

• Be open and curious! I might learn something from this.
• He/she is embracing their memories. Memories are to be cherished and shared.
• He/she is sharing their feelings. I will listen with empathy and compassion.

3. Let go of judgements

I used to make assumptions about what people think and do. These assumptions grew into judgement. If people do things that are not what I expected, I judge them as weird. I close my doors on them. I lose interest in them. This judgement holds me back from building connections with people. When we accept other peoples’ differences, it helps us accept ourselves. 

When I see someone doing unexpected things, I say these words to myself to help me accept them:

• I’m glad he/she is different. It makes the world interesting.
• Who would think of doing that! He/she is special.

Enjoy conversations without joining them

Do you ever get in a conversation where the person just can’t stop talking? Do you ever get in a group conversation that you just can’t relate to, no matter how much you try? Making connections can be hard when we can’t relate to them. 

Instead of ignoring the conversation, I treat it just as how I watch a TV show. If I can sit for hours straight watching more than three episodes of Queer Eye or the Irishman in one sitting, why can’t I do the same in conversations. This time, I am an observer and relieve pressure off myself. 

“It’s time for me to sit and relax.”

Be patient and respect yourself

Have you felt drained after a social night? Was it the vibes? Was it the people? Was it you?

It was definitely not you, and it will never be you. I used to – in fact, still do blame myself and think I have poor social skills when I feel drained in a social event. I have to remind myself that building a connection doesn’t happen in just one night. 

When I stop blaming myself, I have more respect for myself. I start paying attention to myself rather than others. Rather than trying to read other peoples’ minds, trying to guess whether they are comfortable or not, I ask myself:

“Do I like this music? Do I like this food? Do I like them?”

If I only like the music, I will Shazam it and leave, or sit by myself in the back of the room. If I only like the food, I’ll ask for it to go and eat it at home. If I don’t like the music or the drinks but the person I’m talking to is cool, I will ask them to hangout outside that party. If I don’t like any of them, there is no reason to stay. Don’t force yourself to be in a group. You don’t have to fit in the crowds. You know the crowds you want to be in.

Making connections is a never ending journey. Like making friends, you want to find good connections but you also want to be a good friend to them because having good connections is worth it. You have control in these connections and invest in them to turn them into friendships. Friends who will love you when you just break up and say “f*ck you!” to that jerk. Friends who will make you feel sexy and strong when you feel insecure about your body. Friends who will just sit with you and do nothing but listen to your favourite band for hours together. Friends who will keep your life alive.