My dad just died and I miss him

My dad passed away after being diagnosed with cancer earlier last month.

My dad’s last words

A week before he passed away, he called me, “Don’t worry about the cost of your immigration. I will cover it.” My gut was telling me to accept his offer, even though I had savings for it. He barely said “I love you” but, after the call, he texted me, “I love you, and I’m proud of you.” The next day, his condition got worse. He couldn’t text. He could barely speak.

My last words for him

I was on a rooftop with the best view in Ottawa when my brother called me. He told me that dad’s life was close to the end. I felt like my stomach was being punched. I went down and went to a chinese food restaurant. Maybe I felt like I was craving it because my dad always cooked chinese food. While I was eating, my brother called again, “I think this is it. This might be your last chance to talk to him.”

He put his phone to my dad’s ear. “I’m working on my immigration status, so you don’t have to worry about it. I am now at a chinese food restaurant, eating hot and sour soup as you know this is my favourite!” I mumbled. I wasn’t prepared for it.

About five minutes later, my mom video called me and showed dad. “Halo Papah!” I said enthusiastically. My mom started crying and said that he was gone…

My reaction to my dad’s death 

I was angry when I heard the news. I was angry at him. I snapped at my boyfriend who never met him and I even snapped at friends who showed their condolences. I was disappointed at myself that I couldn’t be there for him. The next day, I felt sick. I felt like my whole body was crushed, my mind was numb, and my soul was empty. Everything I did reminded me of dad.

I took a day off on Monday to watch a livestream of dad’s funeral since I was miles away from my family. I reflected on my last words for him. He always worried about my immigration status and what I ate. Until today, I still wonder what he thought of my last words. All I want is for him to be proud of what I do and who I am.

How to cope with grief

There are times that I want to be sad and depressed in my room, but I keep reminding myself to do the things I like to do like singing, playing ukulele, taking a bath, and walking in nature. I make time to meditate, to reflect, and to be mindful. I try to keep in contact with my friends and co-workers and let them know how I am doing. The hardest part I find is to be true when someone asks me “How are you?” I still caught myself saying that I was doing well when I was crushed inside.

Grieving is like swimming through the ocean. It’s hard. Sometimes, I’m swimming through still water. Sometimes, I see a wave coming in front of me. Sometimes, it comes in behind me when I’m not ready. It is hard and draining. But slowly, sadness turns to serenity. I realized how much I loved him. I think about him a lot. I relate everything I do and I see to him.

I wonder how he is doing. I wonder if he would be proud of me, I wonder if he would smile at me.