Running away from reality: my dad and cancer
My mom texted me, “Can you please call dad? I think you would make his day. He’s been really sick. He is sleeping now, so can you call him tomorrow?”
That was on Sunday. Two days later, on Tuesday, dad texted, “I have cancer.”
Confused, scared, and disbelief. I didn’t know what to do.
Dream
On Monday, a day before my dad texted, I had a dream. I was taking a shower in a public washroom. What I mean by public was in front of a building like a city hall or something. While I was taking a shower, someone approached me. This person was sick. I felt that he was chasing me and trying to rape me. I woke up from this nightmare. When I tried to go back to sleep, I found myself was still being chased. I went back to the same dream over and over again.
Reality
My dream was trying to warn me about the news. On one side, I know that my dad is sick. He has been dealing with health issues for the past couple years. On the other side, I chose to believe that my dad was the dad I knew, healthy and strong.
“Did I say the right thing? What else can I do? Am I helping them?”
Once again, insecurity comes into my life. I worry about my dad, my mom, my siblings, my relationship, my finances, and my future. I don’t know how to deal with this situation. What ifs come visit me like an unexpected guest. My phone keeps buzzing. I wake up with 50 text messages. I feel like every part of my body is attacked. I feel so tired. Sometimes, I feel that I can’t move. I feel like I just have a marathon. I realized that I was running away from reality, and I have no other way to run but facing the reality.
I am still confused, scared, and disbelief, but hopeful. I’m lucky to have supportive colleagues. I find it very calming to hear other’s experiences dealing with cancer as a wife, a son/daughter, or a friend. I’m lucky to have supportive relatives. While I’m frustrated to find a way how to give long-distance supports, knowing my relatives are always there for my mom and dad gives me a peace of mind. I’m lucky to have a caring boyfriend. He always makes time for me whenever I’m feeling down. I’m lucky to have powerful siblings. They are my heroes. I couldn’t imagine going through this time without them. They always give me million other ways when I’m feeling stuck how to help my parents. I’m lucky to have a faithful mom. My mom always reminds me to pray and to have a positive attitude while going through this situation. I’m lucky to have a strong dad. He has always been a fighter in his whole life. He never gives up no matter how hard the situation he is facing.