He is my special one.

My friend asked me to go a networking event. I came and was grouped with, not my friend, but a guy (and some other people too). He wasn’t really my type, but he was kinda cute. I asked him for his number and texted him for a “coffee” meeting.

I learned that he listens to Chet Baker, Petit Biscuit, and John Mayer. He likes long walks. He also likes cilantro! But … he is younger than me, he has never had a serious relationship, and he doesn’t go to church.

What ifs

“I like you,” he said.

I was so scared because he seemed very sincere. I was used to dating guys who kept secrets and hid their true intentions, like to fill in their insecurities, to have a label to be in a relationship, or sex. I was used to being disappointed. I was used to being hurt. I was familiar with those feelings. I was scared that this one would be different.

“What should I do? He is too young and immature for me. He doesn’t go to church anyway,” I kept telling myself. I was scared of change. I was scared to date a nice boy. I was scared to have a healthy relationship. I was comfortable with avoidant, manipulative, and controlling behaviors in my relationships.

“What if it works out? Would it end like my other past relationships, eventually? They all ended badly. I don’t want to hurt him.” I panicked, so I shut the door on him.

 Lucky

Three days later, he called.

“I just wanted to hear your voice,” he said

I knew from the beginning he was sincere. That call showed me that he was truly genuine. I felt lucky that he called me.

Insecurity

“Let me help you clean up your place,” he said.

I was offended that he offered help. In the past, I often felt unfulfilled, underappreciated, and insecure. It made me think that I was boring, unattractive, and dramatic. So, I had to make myself feel better. I put my chin up. I did everything to make myself feel strong and independent. I didn’t realize, at the time, that it made me avoid emotional attachment. I was comfortable with myself, a little too much. I often felt alone even when I was in a relationship. I didn’t know that these things made me live in a shell. I didn’t realize that it made me feel attacked when he offered help.

It took me so long to realize my own insecurities. I had a fear of intimacy. It kept pulling myself away from him. I was scared that I would lose myself and forget who I am if I got too attached to him. The last thing I want is to live my life in a toxic relationship.

Today

I reflect a lot on my past to understand where my fear came from in the first place. I practice being vulnerable. I use a wheel of emotions to describe my feelings and ask myself why and how I feel those ways. I was hurt before, and I didn’t realize the scar on me could hurt people around me, especially the ones that I care about the most.

“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced,”
-James Baldwin

I have a long way to overcome my insecurities. I thought that being emotionally attached with someone was being dependent. I thought that sharing my struggles was being weak. I was taught not to cry. I was taught not to worry. I was taught to hide my feelings. I realize now that these feelings are just part of being a human being.

“It’s okay to cry, to worry, and to show your feelings. I want to see all of you, the good and the bad. They make you, you. And I love who you are,” he always says.

We now listen to Chet Baker, Petit Biscuit, and John Mayer together. We have long walks every weekend. We make guacamole or salad, and order food with extra cilantro.