My childhood scars

I was “difficult, rebellious, and too sensitive”. Everyone said that. Everyone, including myself.

Something was wrong with me

I never understood why I always felt lonely inside. When I was in a very young age, I often had a suicidal thought. I was obsessed to look internally at every fault. I felt I never did anything right. I was just a young dumb kid. After I moved to Canada, I was an overachiever in career, academic, relationships, and life, for … I didn’t know whom I did that for. I knew it wasn’t for me.

A scapegoated child

I had always wanted to be away from my family. I wanted to be independent. So I did. Being independent was hard. I felt that I lost every way in my life – career, relationships, identity, and almost everything else.

While I was putting my life back together, I went back to stay with my family as a whole for one month. That was the time I realized I was a scapegoated child. I was often neglected. I regularly received criticism, blame, shame, and gaslighting. I had been treated that way since my childhood.

I was “difficult, rebellious, and too sensitive”. I came back to those labels that created me. They started in my childhood.

This is me

I started questioning myself to know who I truly am. I went back in time to find my earliest memory. I realized I grew up in a toxic environment. I realized I picked up narcissistic behaviour. I realized it was a domino effect. And I want this to stop.

I was “difficult, rebellious, and too sensitive”. I was difficult because I knew my boundaries. I was rebellious because I wanted justice. I was too sensitive because I wanted to be loved. I was shamed and insecure of my childhood, yet I survived. It wasn’t perfect but I wouldn’t trade it with anything else. My childhood scars are part of me. My childhood scars made me who I am today.

Throughout this journey, I learn how to love myself and accept love from others. I realized I am not alone. I realized that the world is not so dark as I used to believe. I realized that I am confident, strong, and loved.

“We think so often that we are helpless, but we’re not. We always have the power of our minds. Claim and consciously use your power.”
– Louise Hay