My adventure in Ottawa: Vulnerability and Surprises

A new adventure always sounds exciting to me. My ex boyfriend got a job in Ottawa so I made that as an excuse to leave Calgary. I ignored the fact the our relationship had been full of tears, anger, confusion, and doubt for the past couple years. I left home to the unknown.

It was a year of darkness. I became the person who I never wanted to be. I was aggressive, sensitive, hardheaded, and irrational. I was scary. It felt like I sank in the dark mud so deeply that I couldn’t breathe anymore until he let me go. I was free but hurt. I was away from home. I had no money. I was hungry. I had no friends. I was alone. I was spiritless.

It was a cold winter. Physically and mentally.

Ottawa gave me a chance to detox. I found hope in myself through this quiet, reserved, and family oriented city.

Vulnerability v.s. Venom

Being vulnerable is freeing. I was ashamed at myself. I knew nobody in Ottawa. I needed support desperately so I told my manager and few coworkers that I needed their supports. Being vulnerable showed me humanity. They reacted quickly to my situation. One helped me move out. Another gave me a blanket to sleep, pots to cook and lights to keep my room bright. Others reminded me not to lose hope. However, telling the details is like a venom for others and myself. People like to help but nobody wants to be dragged down to darkness. The more I talk about the details of my unlucky situations, the more I get lost in self hatred. I am learning how to keep my story short. I let my friends ask rather than I talk more for them to know the details.

Expectations v.s. Surprises

I was living up to expectations. Most of them were not even mine. They were my family’s, friends’, and society’s. I put myself in right or wrong boxes. Ask me how I would see myself after graduation or in the 5 years. I would have the answers. I was burnt out.

Being alone in Ottawa made me let my expectations go. I couldn’t have any expectations since I knew nothing about the city. I didn’t know what to expect. I had to live day by day with the time and energy I had. I slowly let my expectations go and prepare myself to be surprised instead. I try to keep my plans practical rather than dreamy. I keep my pages blank. I write my story as it goes. I let the unknown be mystery, keep stories that give me joy, and replace the old with the new.

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”
– Lance Armstrong

I didn’t know Ottawa but this city showed me to be who I am. It lets me make mistakes. It is a safe place to be vulnerable, a place to let go expectations, and a place to find surprises.