Hope in friendship

I kept my emotions and thoughts to myself. I kept my friendships shallow. I was used to be alone. My childhood was full of loneliness. I watched my siblings from a distance. For little me, they were so much older. I didn’t understand their games and friends. I didn’t remember playing with my parents. Maybe they were busy. Maybe they thought I was playing with my siblings. My family pictures look warm, but my memory tells me that home was cold, dark, and empty. I felt excluded and confused.

Going to an elementary school, I didn’t know how to make a friend. I tried to fit into groups. I didn’t know how to express myself. I was a people pleaser. My friendship was all shallow. School was cold, dark and empty. I lost faith in friendship.

Hope

In grade 8, I made a friend. She was bubbly, warm, and smart. She wanted me to be not only her friend but best friend. She gave me faith in friendships that I didn’t have. She believed in “best friend forever” that I thought it was so cheesy. She put so much faith in me so I slowly shared my deep feelings and thoughts with her. It was a moment of being discomfortable, vulnerable, skeptical, and anxious but intimate.

This friendship gave me hope. I started making friends. A lot of friends. They were not shallow. They were genuine. My friends taught me to accept my weaknesses and to embrace my strengths. We celebrated every milestone and we cried together when one of us was down. Friendships showed me new emotions. I was cheerful, fulfilled, valued, and confident.

Starting over

I had to start over my friendship when moving to Canada. Background, age, language, and status were barriers to me. There was time I was rejected. There was time I was confused. There was time I was discouraged. There was time I was helpless. But I know there are all worth it. I will keep seeking. I will be open. I will be vulnerable. I will keep hoping.

The more I know others, the more I know myself. I need others, and I need them to be different. There are so many things to share and learn from each other. I appreciate every emotion, every thought, and every moment. I embrace every happiness, sadness, anger, tear, smile, and laughter.

“No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.”

– Matthew 5:15